Yeah, I know. You, too, right?

I wish I had more time for art and stuff so I can put things here. I have made some fun things, but I don't seem to have the time to get them up here and usually by the time I finish them I have given them away as gifts or something. It makes me sad that my DA account is so neglected. College has devoured my SOUL!!!!

HOWEVER, I do love it here and I'm enjoying myself overall. Classes suck but they're not so bad. Next quarter will be crazy, especially since I GOT INTO THE INTERPRETING MAJOR!!!! YAY! It made me so happy. So now I have ASL classes and I'm even signed up for fencing which excites me to no end. I need the exercise and I miss it terribly. I never seem to be able to make it to fencing club anymore.

Life in general is good. My birthday has come and gone. I'm 19 now and I got such wonderful things from everyone. A hummus cake made of just hummus and pita bread. I was so excited. And my favorite gifts were the hand made coloring book from Sephy ^_______^ and the wonderful 5 gal tank and female betta fish my girlfriend gave me as a surprise... which I shoulda seen coming <3. Oh well, I'm oblivious to gift hints, I really am. Anyway, the fish's name is Nyx and she's beautiful and adorable and I love her to pieces.

I've seen a few good movies. I finally watched Coraline which I liked, but they pronounced Oregon like "Or E Gone" which people here on the east coast do and it drives me crazy LOL! Also I saw Ponyo (subbed, which is infinitely better) and it was really cute and 100% ridiculous. I went to see Toy Story 1 and 2 in 3D with the gf and some friends a while back, too. It was a lot of fun. I think I'm just catching you all up on the stuff I've been up to XP But yeah, things have been good.

That's all my happy stuff.

But you know me.... I always use this to rant. And rant I shall.

Have you ever been in any sort of relationship (friendship, dating, etc) where you felt like you were giving your total all but the other person wasn't... or wasn't giving their all in the way you do? I feel like I'm putting a lot of effort into one relationship I have (I'm not mentioning what sort or with whom) and I'm available and everything I should be when I should be, but when I want the same back I have to work around a schedule or be fit in. When we're actually hanging out everything is really great, but I'm the one who has to make the time, and even then we're usually busy doing something. There's never just time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the company and I really can't stand it. Sometimes I just want to sit down and watch a movie and enjoy hanging out with this person, I don't ALWAYS need to be doing something.... but that never seems to be an option. And when I WANT to hang out they're not available or won't make the time, but when they want to hang out with me I find a way to work it out if it's possible. I say "Want to go have dinner?" and they say they can't, they made plans, or they're not hungry. They say "Want to have dinner?" and I'm always willing to go out to dinner with them. "Want to go do this or that?" and I always find the time. But when I ask they never want to or can't. As much as I love this person and enjoy the relationship I have with this person, I feel kind of used in a sense.... not terribly bad, but maybe a little taken advantage of, or taken for granted is the best way to put it. Maybe that makes me stupid, but I like hanging out with this person. I don't want to be so irritated by this but I really am and it sucks. I don't know what to do and I really don't think this person knows they're doing it.... but I don't think I can change it. I don't want to bring it up because I feel selfish about it and they're such a good person otherwise.... I'm always so conflicted. UGH

Ah, my favorite month of the year. It's the beautiful fall season, my birthday, and the greatest of all: HALLOWEEN I'm so excited. My roommates and I have decorated our dorm wonderfully and I'm really in the spirit this year

It sucks that it's so cold though XD I hate cold D:

Despite all this, things are going really well. I haven't had a lot of drama, except for once about a week or two ago, but I dealt with it the best I could and put it behind me. My birthday's coming up and I'm both excited and not so excited for it. Classes are actually fairly easy, but mostly boring. No surprise. I hate my major.

HOWEVER!!! The interpreting program I've been trying to get into has space for next quarter and I interview with them next week. HOPEFULLY I get in That would be the best birthday present ever!! Cross your fingers for me and I'll let you know how things go!

I hate when I have something to talk about and I have nobody to talk to about it. I REALLY hate that. So I rant here, I guess. Then anybody can read it, which is good, but I have to edit a lot. Oh well.

Ever get really mixed signals from someone? I'm sure almost everyone has. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right idea. What is 'it'? Well I'd rather not mention that. Anyway... I knew it would be tough and I even questioned it all when it started.. I think I questioned it before it started, even. I should've known it wouldn't be normal and that I couldn't expect the same thing everyone else gets, but I expected something good... and parts of it are good... and then there are times when I feel totally ignored and like if I decide to make an effort then I'm being clingy and controlling. I think that's leftover from a deep wound from the past. So I have a dilemma. Should I be aggressive and try to get what I want out of this or do I sit back and hope it gets better? I'm a go-getter so it kills me to just sit back, especially when it hurts to wait around so much. Why does it seem like nobody else has to wait around? Why is everyone else so devoted? Not in my situation, I guess. I'm not meant for normality. And that kind of sucks. Like I said, I expected it.... but I also expected a little more out of it... and instead I got a little less... if not a lot less. But I can't make it go away because a part of me really loves it. Simultaneously I just want to end it and save myself the hurt, because God knows I've been hurt enough in the past and I'm so tired of it. Am I being selfish? I'm always so scared that I'm being selfish now. Or maybe I'm jealous? It's normal to be a little jealous, I know, but I get so jealous so easily and I try really hard to control that. I think I hide more than I should, but if I don't won't that just make me emotional and annoying? I don't want to be that person either. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the odd one out all the time and although I'm really enjoying myself I feel like everyone has that one thing I want and can't seem to get. I want to say something about it, but I'll feel so childish if I bring it up... and like I said: really selfish. Really, really selfish!! I don't want to be like that.

GOD, I don't know where to get advice from!! I don't know what to do, but sit and brood about it and pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe.... maybe it's not me. Even if it's not my fault I still feel awful because then I wasn't worth it, right? I have to just let it go I guess and not talk about it at all. Damn.

I'm here, which is great of course. I'm mostly all moved in. A little home sick though and when the other roommates aren't here the room is super empty and kinda lonely. And there's nothing I want to go out and do because I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'm just homesick. We'll see where things go from here. A lot of great things have been going on... and a few disappointments, but you can't have the best of everything, right?

"I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, it's September and I'm skipping this town. Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now..."

...I gotta get out of Oregon. I gotta get out of this town. Gotta get out of Oregon...

Okay I'm done making up lyrics for that song. XD ANYWAY! I'm leaving tomorrow - er... today. Tonight is more precise. I'm all packed and ready to go. Nervous, excited, etc. etc.

My mom says we're leaving four hours early because we're going to walk around Ikea before I leave... I can't say I'm super excited, but ooookay XD I guess that's her going away gift for me. Drag me around a giant store full of crap. Yipee.... XP Ah well, off I go on Jo's Grand Adventure. Yes... I've titled it. I'll chronicle my adventures and then write a novel. Or....not. Anywho, I may not be around too much and I shudder to think how many deviations and such will be waiting for me when I get back on DA finally, but what can you do? XP Oh well, see you all soon!